I think it’s proper and fitting that I
should disclose at least a bit of who I am, and of my background and
history, so that you are aware of what many would call my “world
view,” how I perceive reality and the world and other people, and
process all this information in my mind. Like every other human being
on this planet, the way I perceive – and react – to my
environment is colored to a great degree by my personal history, the
people I interact with, and the Great Ideas which have survived
across the ages, which influence me and other people today.
First off: I’m old. Not real
old, but old enough that I think seriously about how much time I have
left in this body. It’s served me well, despite all the abuse I’ve
dished out to it over the years. But one day, not too terribly long
from now, it will fail me. I vow to arrive at that day with
gratitude, humility and equanimity.
I was born miraculously. Yes,
miraculously, because I had the great good fortune to be born a
sentient being in the dominant species (Homo sapiens) on a
wonderfully diverse, beautiful planet (Earth). Even better, I was
born into arguably the most powerful tribe/race/ethnic
group/subspecies (caucasoid of northern European stock) of my kind on
the planet, into arguably the wealthiest and most powerful human
society (the United States of America) on this Earth. And to top it
all off – as if this wasn’t enough already – I was born
male, the gender which most everyone would agree enjoys the lion’s
share of privilege and power in most human societies, particularly
the one I found myself born into. How did this miracle,
this amazing chain of events that led to my becoming, occur?
Those people around me, in what psychologists and sociologists call
my “social sphere,” have many ideas about how such a thing could
occur. I have my own ideas, which I’ll speak of from time to time.
But not in this post. Not now.
I was born into a Methodist Christian
family, in the state of Illinois, in the 1950’s. I am now a
Buddhist. Yes, you’ll hear more on this topic in later posts.
Notice that I didn’t say that I’m a “good Buddhist.” I’m
not. I wouldn’t set a particularly good example for any particular
religion/philosophy/organization/lifestyle. However, I do
think that stretches of my life story can be educational,
informative, or even – dare I say it? – motivational for some
others. But I don’t know. If there is something you find useful,
from time to time, in what I write – then I’m happy for this.
I am deeply distrustful of theists
(people who believe in a God or gods) who are organized into
political or social organizations. However, I have theist friends
and family members who I deeply adore, including my own wife, who is
Catholic Christian. Individual Christians and Muslims and Jews (and
theists in general) are fine with me when considered as individuals,
but I feel that history has ably documented that when theists get
together to do anything other than worship, bad things happen. I have
been discriminated against in this culture because of my involvement
in a minority religion. I was once fired from a job because of my
spiritual views and religious practice (the boss was a Nazarene
Christian). One religious congregation I was involved with had a bomb
threat telephoned in, back in the 80’s. I feel I’m not sticking
my neck out at all when I speculate that it wasn’t an atheist who
phoned that day. By the way, when not around other Buddhists, I find
that I am often most comfortable being around atheists or agnostics.
But don’t let that scare you away, because if anything, I’m a
good listener and open to other people’s ideas about reality. Your
reality might not match my reality, but I’m highly
interested in it, just the same. I am a student of the human mind and
human behavior.
I have exhibited what this culture
terms “mental illness” off and on, since the age of 12. I have
been diagnosed by mental health professionals at various times with
Major Depression, Bipolar Disorder, and Obsessive-Compulsive
Disorder. My thinking about my own psychology, and how I view my own
thoughts, emotions and behavior, has changed over the years. Of
course you’ll see postings which address this subject from time
to time! I promise to try my best to do them without boring you.
Despite the (apparently) obvious flaws
in my mental processes, I feel that I have a better-than-average
brain/mind. How do I come to this conclusion? Other people have told
me this. Enough people that it adds up to a body of evidence. Of
course, my own ego tells me that I’m creative and smart, but having
other people observe this and relate their observations to me makes
me feel comfortable with my own ideas. Even good! Famed
psychotherapist Albert Ellis, the father of so-called “cognitive
therapy,” indicated that this process of comparing our own ideas
with the perceptions of others was an important component of what he
called “reality testing.” If my self-perception seems to differ
consistently and radically with others’ perception of me, I
probably need to re-evaluate my thinking. I know – it sounds very
circular, doesn’t it, to “think about my thinking.” But it’s
very helpful for me. That’s one important reason why I’m happy to
have folks post their comments on the blog. Your thinking about my
thinking just might get me thinking in a new way. As Ellis would say:
Fine!
I have a history of substance abuse.
Apparently, from what both mental health professionals and substance
abuse recovery professionals have told me, that’s par for the
course for people like myself who have exhibited significant mental
health issues for long periods of time. Still, I’m skeptical of the
“disease model” of addiction, because not only does it not
hold up very well under the usual criteria used by the medical
community to diagnose disease, I feel it provides a convenient excuse
to avoid helpful consideration of the individual’s thinking,
emotions and behavior which lead to the substance abuse problem.
Therefore, even though I am legally obligated to attend a so-called
“Twelve Step” support group (and cheerfully do so each and every
week), I do not follow the path endorsed by this group to recover
from addiction/abuse. I have my own way, based on the psychological
and spiritual teachings of my religious tradition, which has a
2,500-year record of helping the psychologically afflicted with all
sorts of problems, not just substance abuse.
I feel that I normally “manifest”
(I’m using that word in a specifically Buddhist way, but I think
even non-Buddhists will understand) as a happy, cheerful, friendly,
inquisitive, creative and smart 18-year-old in a 56-year-old body.
That’s my own assessment. Sure, there’s ego influencing that
assessment. I feel I started out as what psychologists call “high
functioning” but my emotional development might have stopped at
around age 18 or so. I suffer from introversion and a certain amount
of anxiety in social situations, although you might have a tough time
telling so, to see me in a social setting. I’m still developing
psychologically, I feel. Substance abuse counselors will tell you
that you stop developing emotionally when you start abusing drugs or
alcohol. That’s an extremely interesting idea, which I had not come
across until recently. If true, I’ve developed in bits and spurts
over the decades, with stretches of sobriety interspersed with
stretches of usage. I’m taking the idea under consideration. I
never stop learning, never. When I stop learning, that means I’m
dead.
I’ve harmed loved ones, at times.
Both physically and emotionally. This is the deepest regret of my
life so far. Perhaps I’m fortunate in that they’ve not felt the
need to completely, permanently withdraw from me, but what I’ve
done in the past is bad enough that I shouldn’t feel resentful were
they to do so. I have created enormous bad karma for myself through
thought and action, to take a Buddhist perspective on it. I have no
doubt delayed my own entry into Nibbana, the state beyond
suffering, but for how long? I have no idea.
I don’t expect you to accept, or
particularly even understand, anything that I present to you on these
pages. I feel that we have no right to expect any other sentient
being to completely understand or completely agree with what we
think, feel, believe or experience. Instead, we should react with
gratitude should this unlikely and rare event transpire. This is the
only true miracle that I’ve ever experienced in this life―when
minds meet.
Oh, one last thing that is important
for you to know about me, but will be difficult for many of you to
understand and even more difficult to accept: I like critters. Even
cats. :)
