Your Forecast for Today, September 12, 2017:

The morning will start out with drowsiness, followed by gradual wakefulness with partly scattered coffee. By noon, we have a 100% chance of lunch. The rest of the day will feature occasional periods of phone annoyance and deference to customers, with gusts of up to 90 words a minute. Our forecast for this evening calls for a 99% chance of dinner, followed by a settled period with TV, with a return to overnight unconsciousness and drowsiness for Wednesday AM.

Our computer models call for a repeat of Tuesday’s forecast for the rest of my life.

* * * * *

Words of Wisdom

Always remember that no matter how bad it gets,
your cat can always wander off and go live with somebody else.

—TK

A public service announcement from the National Salad Fork Safety Council: never run or engage in horseplay while handling your salad fork. Make salad time a safe time!

—TK

Car model names that got rejected:

Kia Sludge Bucket
Chevrolet Monte Hall
Ford Magnum Biscuit Deluxe Cab
Toyota Brick
Honda Cynic
Suburu Wombat Twin Turbo

— TK

From the I-Love-You-Now-Eat-Your-Vegetables Department: Houston boyfriend accidentally gives girlfriend kale instead of flowers.

http://www.chron.com/life/article/Houston-boyfriend-accidentally-gives-girlfriend-11175483.php


—TK

If we could all be as happy and excited as my cat when I open a can of cat food, this world would be a rockin' place.

— TK

Refrigerator Magnet Classics #323: We'd both be wrong.

This one is from Ephemera-inc.com.

— TK

From the Stuff-You-Can’t-Make-Up Department: an outlaw on my county’s latest Most Wanted list is actually named “Outlaw.”

 —TK

I just read on some science site that wheat have more genetic diversity than humans. Well, that's because wheat sleeps around a lot more. Wheat is an incredibly slutty crop, in my opinion.

—TK

— TK

“WHAT?! You dropped the beer cooler and it fell in WHERE?!!!”

— TK

I would like to remind everybody that now that Monday is here, please remember to take Sunday to the dry cleaners. You got mustard and pickle relish all over it, and I can't even tell what kind of stain that is on the collar.

— TK

Always remember: a journey of a thousand miles is almost certain to pass by a Dairy Queen.

— TK

The Woodson Suspension Bridge

Shackelford County, Texas

In February of 1896, Weatherford resident William "Billy" Flinn and his partner, A.A. Moyer, were awarded by the court a contract worth $4370.00 to build a bridge over the Clear Fork of the Brazos River in Shackelford County. Known as the Woodson Bridge, suspension bridges of this general type were often called "wire bridges" in reference to the numerous individual strands of wire woven together to form the main bridge cables. In 1926 the Austin Bridge Company, builders of the infamous triple underpass at Dealey Plaza in Dallas, were contracted to upgrade the bridge. The most noticeable change ABC made was encasing the main towers in concrete, forming the obelisks we see today.

Although both ends of the bridge have been blocked to vehicle traffic, it remains easily accessible, lying right next to the current County Road 180. You can reach the old bridge by taking 283 north from Albany about 8.75 miles until you find County Road 179 on your right (east). Follow 179 about another 7.50 miles northeast; note that the road becomes 180 about 1.8 miles in but keep going forward. It's a gravel and/or dirt road, so keep the speed under 100mph because it can get a little bumpy. Just when you figure you're completely lost, the road makes a right turn and about another three-quarters of a mile further the bridge suddenly appears as you reach the Clear Fork. You can walk on the bridge, just be careful to watch for holes or weak spots in the ancient wooden deck planks.

To be more precise, the bridge is at +32.92137, -99.16787 (decimal degrees); 32°55'17" N, 99°10'04" W (degrees°minutes'seconds").

A more complete description of the Woodson Bridge, plus other folks' photos, can be seen here:
https://bridgehunter.com/tx/shackelford/bh49230/

— TK

OK, IT'S OFFICIAL: at 8:53pm this evening, April 23, 2017, I got my first mosquito bite of the year. This means that outdoor grilling, camping, and river float season has OFFICIALLY BEGUN.

May everyone have many happy mosquito bites this season!

(Mosquito photo courtesy Wikipedia contributor Alvesgaspar.)

— TK

SAFETY ALERT:

Harris Teeter frozen Southern Style Hash Browns recalled because they're contaminated with golf balls.

I'm not joking. This is apparently for real:

http://www.wral.com/recall-harris-teeter-frozen-hash-browns-recalled-due-to-golf-balls/16658324/

Quoting from the article at WRAL’s website:

“Check your freezer!

“Harris Teeter Frozen Southern Style Hash Browns have been recalled because they may be contaminated with extraneous golf ball materials. Yes, golf balls.

“North Carolina is included in the recall. The specific recalled product here in NC is the Harris Teeter Brand, 2 lb. Bag of Frozen Southern Style Hash Browns (UPC 007203649020).”

This might not be by accident. I remember that as a kid growing up in the Midwest, Mom made hash browns that had bits of lawn mower parts in 'em, so maybe southern style hash browns are supposed to include golf balls. New England style hash browns have pieces of trawler nets.

Weird (and Possibly Untrue) Animal Facts #244:

The common house cat eats more food than any other animal on earth. The average cat eats over 120 tons of dry cat food every day (more food than a blue whale), and will make its owner run to refill the cat food bowl over 800 times a day on average. And even after that, the cat will still rub up against its owner’s legs begging for some of that canned cat food that tastes like Fishchickenshrimpliver. (I have verified that this is not Fake News and have checked these facts by speaking with over three other cat owners nationwide.)

—TK

Welp, today's the day my sweetie goes into the hospital, where she'll have a fun-filled day consisting of being put unconscious by dangerous chemicals while some people run a tube with a camera and little tiny scissors up her insides and take pictures and go snip snip at stuff. This is after a previous day which consisted of solid food deprivation but lots of chicken broth and jello.

People who have been through this say that the experience is more fun than a vacation in Cancun and they would do it every week if the insurance would pay for it.

— TK

I'm trying to apply for admission to the Electoral College, but I can't find their website.

— TK

I've just invented something I call the Mopey Meal. It's like a Happy Meal, only I feed it to my sweetie when she's being mopey.

I have a trademark on the name Mopey Meal, so don't get any bright ideas.

— TK

An observation: Coleslaw never really goes bad in the fridge, it just turns into sauerkraut with carrots.

— TK

Your Daily Classifed Section for Today, January 16, 2017...

My mother-in-law passed from this life at around 9:20 pm on New Year's Eve. I will miss our little broken conversations in "Spanglish". Her English was actually better than my Spanish, but I knew more cusswords in Spanish. Not that she would use that sort of language. But she lived 84 years. How many of us will experience that much life? I'll miss our little trips to Krogers, or to her family doctor, or to Esparanza's restaurant — her, me and Gabie, the three of us.