Dec. 13, 2014
OK, the fourth installment in the venerable
Jurassic Park
franchise is due to hit a theater near me in six months, and my goose
bumps are pulsing with excitement! It will have been 14 years since
the last installment — way too long — but I’m certain that the
wait will have been worth it. I’m going to steal and alter an old
joke told by (if I recall) David Letterman: this goes to show that
America is
still the world’s leading producer of dinosaur
movies. And people say that we don’t
make things here any
more.
So, as I reflect back on my 120+ years of movie going, I pause now
to mentally compile my personal list of the most influential dinosaur
movies I’ve watched. OK, the first of these isn’t technically a
dinosaur flick, but it’s close enough for consideration..
1. Godzilla Versus the Intestinal Flu (1963). Ishirō Honda,
Chonosuke Okamura, James
Mason, Perry Mason
Synopsis: Tokyo
police are baffled by a series of mysterious regurgitations.
Eventually, the military forces of the entire planet are
allied to stop the threat, but victory comes from the most gentle and
innocent of sources — the Girl Scouts.
My take: Like
virtually all of Japanese cinema, this production is just dripping
with symbolism and multiple levels of meaning. It’s pretty clear to
everyone that the Big Guy represents the menace of nuclear war; the
terrified populace of Tokyo stand in for a cowering humanity faced
with the threat of global annihilation; no one doubts that the Girl
Scout cookies represent the possibility of salvation in the midst of
catastrophe. Generally, Japanese critics are agreed that the Girl
Scouts themselves represent the ancient Buddhist bodhisattva
of compassion, Kannon, although Westerners can be excused for not
making the connection. However, the gigantic vomit covering the city
has been problematic for critics and film historians. Does it
represent the repulsive in human nature? Does it symbolize mankind’s
rejection of the natural world in favor of
technology? After much consideration, my
conclusion is that the upchuck represents an upset tummy.
2.
Honey, a Dinosaur Ate the Kids!
(1989). Rick
Moranis, Brinke Stevens, Stig Olin, James M. Buchanan Jr.,
Bessica Raiche
Synopsis: Absent-minded geneticist Wayne accidentally
synthesizes a dinosaur, and to hide his blunder from the boss, brings
it home and attempts to hide it in his garage. Hilarity ensues as the
dinosaur eats the mailman — and the kids — smearing blood and
flesh all over the interior of the garage! But all is right in the
end, as the family dog cleans up the mess.
My take: A light-hearted, sappy little piece of cinematic
fluff,
Honey, a Dinosaur Ate the Kids! is notable mainly for
the extremely accurate, lifelike rendering of the
Giganatosaurus.
Minor quibble: the
Giganatosaurus is depicted with four toes
on the left foot; I’m pretty sure both feet had three toes. So call
me a perfectionist.
3. Waltzing with
Dinosaurs (1999). Narrated by Alistair Cooke
Synopsis: This ground-breaking BBC TV mini-series
introduces what was then a very controversial idea among
paleontologists: dinosaurs not only were warm-blooded, but they could
dance.
My take: For decades, paleontologists considered dinosaurs
to have two left feet. However, the startling 1938 discovery of
ancient preserved tracks in the bed of the Paluxy River in Texas
demonstrate conclusively that not only did these ancient reptiles
have right feet as well as left, but they could
trip the light
fantastic. However, as startling and revealing as the series was
(with ground-breaking animation), I’m still not convinced that
T.
Rex could rumba. Ol
é!
4. The Land Before Madonna
(1986). Madonna, Dave Bancroft, Clement
Serkis
Synopsis:
Was there a time before Madonna? What was the earth, and life on
earth, like before Madonna?
My take: It’s hard to imagine what life was like before
Madonna, and some people insist to this day that Madonna has been
around since the dawn of time. However, this entertaining docudrama
takes us back to a time before MTV, music videos, and
Who’s the
Boss. Amazingly, we are told that there was virtually no music
being produced during the Triassic. I’ve got to admit that the
animated critters are first rate, and the lush prehistoric landscapes
are breathtaking, but there’s not a Sound Warehouse (which has also
been around since the dawn of time) in sight. Plenty of food for
thought, but I’m not sure I’m buying any of it. Still, it’s
been very influential.
5. Night of the
Living Apatosaurus (1967). Fay Wray, Robert Conrad, Leis Meitner
Synopsis: An absolutely humongous plant-eating dinosaur
shows up and stomps all over everybody and everything. Will humanity
survive? Why do I ask all these questions?
My take: Wow, scary. The truly frightening thing is that
the apatosaurus isn’t squashing cars and people out of malice —
it’s only trying to find a delicious cyclad tree to munch on and
there’s all these little people and buildings and obstacles in the
way, and well...gosh...when you’ve got big feet it’s just really
difficult to not step on things you didn’t mean to. Sort of like
the situation with me and my cats. Humanity is destroyed simply
because we can’t get out from underfoot. How depressing. By the
way, the apatosaurus looks like it was modeled out of clay. But
really
lifelike clay.
* * * * *
Next month:
The plant documentary that made me change my religion.
