Dan Gilbert: Stumbling on Happiness

Well, I completely blew off the month of October, 2012. So now I've made a Second-Tier Vow (not as much energy put into it as a First-Tier Vow) to redouble my efforts and write more. After all, if one wants to become skilled at writing, one should...well, write.

Recently I became aware of Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert, whose book Stumbling on Happiness reveals some amazing research on what makes people happy.

Click on the book cover to go to the official website.

This is a book that I'm going to have to get, as soon as I can budget for it (money being tight right now). In the meantime, there's a video of a TEDtalks presentation ("The Surprising Science of Happiness") given by Dan Gilbert which apparently covers some of the material presented in the book. The clip can be viewed at either the TEDtalks site or on YouTube. Here's a link to the YouTube version:

Dan Gilbert: The surprising science of happiness

One of the amazing results of research (a factoid?) presented by Gilbert in this lecture: people who won the lottery, and people who became paraplegic (lost the use of arms and/or legs) rate as psychologically equally happy with their lives one year after the event. In fact, on the bar graph Gilbert presents of the data, the paraplegic group is just a tick happier than the lottery winners!

Screencap from Dan Gilbert's TEDtalks presentation.

This is somehow stunning — yet not unexpected — to me. My spiritual tradition teaches that happiness is not dependent on external things like wealth or social standing or political power — or any particular situation or location. Happiness is a quality of mind and a way of reacting to the content of our mental processes. You cultivate happiness; it's not something that you find somewhere. But this little illustration from Dr. Gilbert brings home the point in stunning clarity. You probably thought, as I did, "Wow...if a severely disadvantaged person such as a paraplegic is happier with his or her life than I am, then something's wrong here."

An important point that I've heard several spiritual teachers/wise people from various cultures, religions or societies emphasize is that even happiness can be an impediment to your own mental health. Or more precisely, the craving for or clinging to happiness can paradoxically cause unhappiness if your quest for happiness doesn't succeed. Therefore, you need to create happiness in whatever situation or experience you happen to find yourself in, in the moment.

Paradoxically, for me to find happiness, I have to drop even the idea of happiness, and to settle back and find value in, and be grateful for, whatever I'm experiencing in this moment — pleasant, unpleasant, neutral.

Physican, meditator and Huffington Post contributor Mark Hyman touches on this in his essay, "Why Doing Nothing is the Key to Happiness:"

What matters most in life is the quality of our experience, the ability to be awake to what is real and true in our lives, for the difficult and the happy times, to be awake to each person we touch, to our own experience, to the moment we are in, to the simple, sweet, and alive gifts of a smile, a touch, a kind deed, the breeze on our skin, or a firefly flickering in the early summer night.

But that is harder than it sounds. Our monkey mind gets in the way. In order to pay attention we need to be quiet, to be practiced at stillness, to know the habits of our mind and be skilled at dancing with them, not to be controlled or dominated by them. To witness the thoughts and feelings we have without having them overwhelm, dominate, and control our lives.

So that is my task now, to paradoxically find happiness by not seeking it.

—Tony

Most Paradoxical Headline of the Week

Our Most Paradoxical Headline of the Week is brought to you by The Washington Post's website:

More than a dozen killed in riots as 'Day of Love' for prophet in Pakistan turn deadly
 

Farewell to My Friend, Marni

I was perusing the website of one of our two local Weatherford papers, the Democrat, and as I often do, I made a quick pass through the Obits. Yes, I'm of that certain age when it's become important to see who has passed on recently.

So, I was saddened to see that Marni (Mockbee) Henderson had died last month of congestive heart failure. The notice showed up way late in the paper, not until just a few days ago, over three weeks since she left us. Lots of folks around here will be saddened at Marni's passing, as she was our barber. Really, she's the only steady barber I've had in Weatherford since I came here in '96, even though I've transgressed from time to time and hit one of the franchise shops (but only on those times when I was desperate and Marni happened to be closed). I've always gone back to Marni, my local independent businesswoman.

Marni was a good ol' Texas gal, and she knew everybody's business, but in an endearing and entertaining sort of way. If something interesting was happening in Parker County, you often heard about it first from Marni. Plus, the icing on the cake was that not only was she entertaining, she was actually good at cutting hair. That particular combination of attributes can be kind of rare here in small town Texas.

She was only 48 when she passed. She had had a stroke; it was in 2009, as I recall. However, she seemed to rebound quite well from it. But it was probably a portent of the future. Marni's health was apparently on a long downward slide. I'm trying to remember if she was a smoker; I seem to recall that she would step outside the shop from time to time to take a puff, but I wouldn't testify to that under oath. Of course, I was gone from Marni's world, due to my incarceration, between 2010 and late 2011 and couldn't keep up with her more recent health issues.

I saw her for the last time about four months ago. I had been back home in Weatherford for only about four months that day. She rolled on by me in her truck as I walked down York Avenue, and as she did, lowered the window and hollered at me that she was now working for another barbering establishment over on Palo Pinto. So, she had given up running her own shop! I waved and nodded my head to assure her that she would be seeing me again. But I was broke then, and store-bought haircuts would have to wait until my personal economy was on the rebound. Alas, the happy reunion never came.

Marni seemed almost destined for a bit shorter life than most of us enjoy. She had terrible luck with the male gender, in terms of getting a good specimen of lasting value. Her man Lee Henderson passed in 2008, also at age 48. I don't think it's a coincidence that she had the stroke just a few months later.

I know that she had gotten a new man in her life before I went away, but I can't recall his name, and I don't know if they were still together during her final days. But I assuage my sadness with the thought that she had plenty of loving kith and kin at her side when she left.

Adios, Marni.

Note: the photo of Marni Henderson was found on the Weatherford Democrat website; no photographer attribution was given. Text alteration was added by me. I will be happy to comply with a removal notice if contacted by the copyright holder to the original photographic image.