“WHAT?! You dropped the beer cooler and it fell in WHERE?!!!”

— TK

I would like to remind everybody that now that Monday is here, please remember to take Sunday to the dry cleaners. You got mustard and pickle relish all over it, and I can't even tell what kind of stain that is on the collar.

— TK

Always remember: a journey of a thousand miles is almost certain to pass by a Dairy Queen.

— TK

The Woodson Suspension Bridge

Shackelford County, Texas

In February of 1896, Weatherford resident William "Billy" Flinn and his partner, A.A. Moyer, were awarded by the court a contract worth $4370.00 to build a bridge over the Clear Fork of the Brazos River in Shackelford County. Known as the Woodson Bridge, suspension bridges of this general type were often called "wire bridges" in reference to the numerous individual strands of wire woven together to form the main bridge cables. In 1926 the Austin Bridge Company, builders of the infamous triple underpass at Dealey Plaza in Dallas, were contracted to upgrade the bridge. The most noticeable change ABC made was encasing the main towers in concrete, forming the obelisks we see today.

Although both ends of the bridge have been blocked to vehicle traffic, it remains easily accessible, lying right next to the current County Road 180. You can reach the old bridge by taking 283 north from Albany about 8.75 miles until you find County Road 179 on your right (east). Follow 179 about another 7.50 miles northeast; note that the road becomes 180 about 1.8 miles in but keep going forward. It's a gravel and/or dirt road, so keep the speed under 100mph because it can get a little bumpy. Just when you figure you're completely lost, the road makes a right turn and about another three-quarters of a mile further the bridge suddenly appears as you reach the Clear Fork. You can walk on the bridge, just be careful to watch for holes or weak spots in the ancient wooden deck planks.

To be more precise, the bridge is at +32.92137, -99.16787 (decimal degrees); 32°55'17" N, 99°10'04" W (degrees°minutes'seconds").

A more complete description of the Woodson Bridge, plus other folks' photos, can be seen here:
https://bridgehunter.com/tx/shackelford/bh49230/

— TK

OK, IT'S OFFICIAL: at 8:53pm this evening, April 23, 2017, I got my first mosquito bite of the year. This means that outdoor grilling, camping, and river float season has OFFICIALLY BEGUN.

May everyone have many happy mosquito bites this season!

(Mosquito photo courtesy Wikipedia contributor Alvesgaspar.)

— TK

SAFETY ALERT:

Harris Teeter frozen Southern Style Hash Browns recalled because they're contaminated with golf balls.

I'm not joking. This is apparently for real:

http://www.wral.com/recall-harris-teeter-frozen-hash-browns-recalled-due-to-golf-balls/16658324/

Quoting from the article at WRAL’s website:

“Check your freezer!

“Harris Teeter Frozen Southern Style Hash Browns have been recalled because they may be contaminated with extraneous golf ball materials. Yes, golf balls.

“North Carolina is included in the recall. The specific recalled product here in NC is the Harris Teeter Brand, 2 lb. Bag of Frozen Southern Style Hash Browns (UPC 007203649020).”

This might not be by accident. I remember that as a kid growing up in the Midwest, Mom made hash browns that had bits of lawn mower parts in 'em, so maybe southern style hash browns are supposed to include golf balls. New England style hash browns have pieces of trawler nets.

Weird (and Possibly Untrue) Animal Facts #244:

The common house cat eats more food than any other animal on earth. The average cat eats over 120 tons of dry cat food every day (more food than a blue whale), and will make its owner run to refill the cat food bowl over 800 times a day on average. And even after that, the cat will still rub up against its owner’s legs begging for some of that canned cat food that tastes like Fishchickenshrimpliver. (I have verified that this is not Fake News and have checked these facts by speaking with over three other cat owners nationwide.)

—TK

Welp, today's the day my sweetie goes into the hospital, where she'll have a fun-filled day consisting of being put unconscious by dangerous chemicals while some people run a tube with a camera and little tiny scissors up her insides and take pictures and go snip snip at stuff. This is after a previous day which consisted of solid food deprivation but lots of chicken broth and jello.

People who have been through this say that the experience is more fun than a vacation in Cancun and they would do it every week if the insurance would pay for it.

— TK

I'm trying to apply for admission to the Electoral College, but I can't find their website.

— TK

I've just invented something I call the Mopey Meal. It's like a Happy Meal, only I feed it to my sweetie when she's being mopey.

I have a trademark on the name Mopey Meal, so don't get any bright ideas.

— TK

An observation: Coleslaw never really goes bad in the fridge, it just turns into sauerkraut with carrots.

— TK

Your Daily Classifed Section for Today, January 16, 2017...

My mother-in-law passed from this life at around 9:20 pm on New Year's Eve. I will miss our little broken conversations in "Spanglish". Her English was actually better than my Spanish, but I knew more cusswords in Spanish. Not that she would use that sort of language. But she lived 84 years. How many of us will experience that much life? I'll miss our little trips to Krogers, or to her family doctor, or to Esparanza's restaurant — her, me and Gabie, the three of us.

Baby Goats: they’re right next to the beer.

Your Groucho Marx Line for Today, Wednesday December 14, 2016:

“I never forget a face — but I’m going to make an exception in your case!”

“No, I don't need any help. Everything's fine.
Thanks for asking.”

— TK

I Can't Be Seen.

I'm happy to report that I've recently completed the MP Industries course, "How Not to be Seen," and absolutely thrilled to tell you that I'm currently being seen at around 60% less often than previously.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltmMJntSfQI


-TK

1/12/2015

Today's Fun Fact

Dec. 16, 2014


Fun Fact: Liopleurodons smell real bad.

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The Neighbors are Moving!

Dec. 15, 2014

I knew that the neighbors were moving. What I didn't realize is just how much they were moving...

In reality, this event happened last year, and I believe (although I can't confirm it) that the First Darned Baptist Church (bless 'em, they're actually good folks, I just call 'em "darned Baptists") bought the property and sold the house off. I didn't talk to anyone to find out where it was going. Just watching the entire process was quite interesting. If I recall, it took the better part of two weeks to prep the house for moving and finally get it rolling..

What will happen to the lot? Church parking lot, I'd be willing to wager. Another lot at the end of the block was also leveled that year, but the house went down instead of moving. No parking expansion in evidence yet, but I'm expecting that lot by lot, my home is going to be completely surrounded eventually by parking, and my Sunday mornings will be a cacophony of slamming car doors and the happy chatter of Baptists heading to church.

My landlord and landlady bought their house many years ago in Foat Wuth, and moved it some 30-odd miles to its present location. I think I recall the landlord telling me that the move mostly went smoothly, although they hit a minor bottleneck at one point.

* * * * *

My Five Most Influential Dinosaur Movies and TV Shows

Dec. 13, 2014

OK, the fourth installment in the venerable Jurassic Park franchise is due to hit a theater near me in six months, and my goose bumps are pulsing with excitement! It will have been 14 years since the last installment — way too long — but I’m certain that the wait will have been worth it. I’m going to steal and alter an old joke told by (if I recall) David Letterman: this goes to show that America is still the world’s leading producer of dinosaur movies. And people say that we don’t make things here any more.

So, as I reflect back on my 120+ years of movie going, I pause now to mentally compile my personal list of the most influential dinosaur movies I’ve watched. OK, the first of these isn’t technically a dinosaur flick, but it’s close enough for consideration..

1. Godzilla Versus the Intestinal Flu (1963). Ishirō Honda, Chonosuke Okamura, James Mason, Perry Mason

Synopsis: Tokyo police are baffled by a series of mysterious regurgitations. Eventually, the military forces of the entire planet are allied to stop the threat, but victory comes from the most gentle and innocent of sources — the Girl Scouts.

My take: Like virtually all of Japanese cinema, this production is just dripping with symbolism and multiple levels of meaning. It’s pretty clear to everyone that the Big Guy represents the menace of nuclear war; the terrified populace of Tokyo stand in for a cowering humanity faced with the threat of global annihilation; no one doubts that the Girl Scout cookies represent the possibility of salvation in the midst of catastrophe. Generally, Japanese critics are agreed that the Girl Scouts themselves represent the ancient Buddhist bodhisattva of compassion, Kannon, although Westerners can be excused for not making the connection. However, the gigantic vomit covering the city has been problematic for critics and film historians. Does it represent the repulsive in human nature? Does it symbolize mankind’s rejection of the natural world in favor of technology? After much consideration, my conclusion is that the upchuck represents an upset tummy.

2. Honey, a Dinosaur Ate the Kids! (1989). Rick Moranis, Brinke Stevens, Stig Olin, James M. Buchanan Jr., Bessica Raiche

Synopsis: Absent-minded geneticist Wayne accidentally synthesizes a dinosaur, and to hide his blunder from the boss, brings it home and attempts to hide it in his garage. Hilarity ensues as the dinosaur eats the mailman — and the kids — smearing blood and flesh all over the interior of the garage! But all is right in the end, as the family dog cleans up the mess.

My take: A light-hearted, sappy little piece of cinematic fluff, Honey, a Dinosaur Ate the Kids! is notable mainly for the extremely accurate, lifelike rendering of the Giganatosaurus. Minor quibble: the Giganatosaurus is depicted with four toes on the left foot; I’m pretty sure both feet had three toes. So call me a perfectionist.

3. Waltzing with Dinosaurs (1999). Narrated by Alistair Cooke

Synopsis: This ground-breaking BBC TV mini-series introduces what was then a very controversial idea among paleontologists: dinosaurs not only were warm-blooded, but they could dance.

My take: For decades, paleontologists considered dinosaurs to have two left feet. However, the startling 1938 discovery of ancient preserved tracks in the bed of the Paluxy River in Texas demonstrate conclusively that not only did these ancient reptiles have right feet as well as left, but they could trip the light fantastic. However, as startling and revealing as the series was (with ground-breaking animation), I’m still not convinced that T. Rex could rumba. Olé!

4. The Land Before Madonna (1986). Madonna, Dave Bancroft, Clement Serkis

Synopsis: Was there a time before Madonna? What was the earth, and life on earth, like before Madonna?

My take: It’s hard to imagine what life was like before Madonna, and some people insist to this day that Madonna has been around since the dawn of time. However, this entertaining docudrama takes us back to a time before MTV, music videos, and Who’s the Boss. Amazingly, we are told that there was virtually no music being produced during the Triassic. I’ve got to admit that the animated critters are first rate, and the lush prehistoric landscapes are breathtaking, but there’s not a Sound Warehouse (which has also been around since the dawn of time) in sight. Plenty of food for thought, but I’m not sure I’m buying any of it. Still, it’s been very influential.

5. Night of the Living Apatosaurus (1967). Fay Wray, Robert Conrad, Leis Meitner

Synopsis: An absolutely humongous plant-eating dinosaur shows up and stomps all over everybody and everything. Will humanity survive? Why do I ask all these questions?

My take: Wow, scary. The truly frightening thing is that the apatosaurus isn’t squashing cars and people out of malice — it’s only trying to find a delicious cyclad tree to munch on and there’s all these little people and buildings and obstacles in the way, and well...gosh...when you’ve got big feet it’s just really difficult to not step on things you didn’t mean to. Sort of like the situation with me and my cats. Humanity is destroyed simply because we can’t get out from underfoot. How depressing. By the way, the apatosaurus looks like it was modeled out of clay. But really lifelike clay.

* * * * *

Next month: The plant documentary that made me change my religion.